Behind The Madness!!
There are many reasons that people gain weight,
but I can not speak for everyone, I only know my why it happened to be.
It is now time I face it.
The other day I was watching Ruby on t.v.
she was doing some kind of group therapy, I watched, and then thought to myself. Why did I let myself get like this.
Everyone has to do their own soul searching, to come up with that answer.
Believe it or not, some even block it out.
Well this is what I believe is to be mine,
and I will elaborate more.
See in my head it is FEAR.
When I speak about fear, it is that I am afraid someone will physically hurt me.
I know this stems from my childhood.
When I was young and I do mean young,
I was molested by two of my family members,
People you think you should be able to trust,
but found out that you needed to be as far away from them as possible.
Once I got older, that's exactly what I did...STAY AWAY.
Later in life it hit me in many different ways.
I suffered from panic attacks and Agoraphobia.
I went to see a doctor about this and this was the reason they came up with,
why I had such a fear about leaving my home or even sitting in my backyard alone.
Sure they put me on Meds, but did I really want to spend the rest of my life on them....NO!!
So I had to fight it, the only way I knew how.
At the time I did not have my driver license and I pushed myself to get it.
The hardest thing I did was getting in my vehicle for the first time and driving alone somewhere.
But I did it.
I was scared out of my mind,
The panic that was running through me was something I had never experienced before.
But I wasn't going to let someone control me.
I wanted so bad to run back in the house and lock the door, cause I was safe there.
But I pushed on.
Now I have to tackle the other fear I have, which is being heavy, cause in my mind as long as I am fat,
no one will hurt me.
I mean think about it, you see woman getting raped and murdered,
but they are never fat.
I mean I don't know how true that is,
but in my mind it is.
I mean I know when a woman is raped, it has nothing to do with what she looks like, it has to do with power and control.
There is also other fears I have.
See me being big, I have learned to shut certain things out of my life.
Things I know that would really hurt me,
and that is the feeling that I can succeed at something.
Cause right now I look at myself as a failure.
But what I am slowly learning is that I can succeed at things.
What I am learning is if I don't try, I will be a failure.
It's okay to fail
but you have to try in order to fail.
So my new leaf of life is going to be at least TRY!!
All I am saying is I have to face my demons, which is FEAR.
You have to find your demons.
When you do you will be a better person for it.
And know if you want something bad enough,
The only person that can make it happen,
IS YOU!!
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